Ten Easy Steps
by kate98
Summary: How Not to Fall in Love With a Female Officer in Your Command in Ten Easy Steps: A Guide for SG Team Leaders, by Jack O’Neill


_A/N: I got this idea from a similar piece done from Sam's perspective (which was terrific), and I'd love to credit the author but I've lost the link. So if you are the brilliant one, let me know. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing - not even this original idea. (See above.)_

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How Not to Fall in Love With a Female Officer in Your Command in Ten Easy Steps:  
A Guide for SG Team Leaders, by Jack O'Neill

It's not chauvinism to acknowledge that having a woman under your command can lead to unforeseen complications. I'm not talking about combat situations, or a woman's ability to do the job. No one, woman or man, receives a posting to the SGC unless they are a proven commodity. No, the potential complications are emotional ones, and can impact your ability to effectively make command decisions and lead your team.

This guide will provide tried and true tips to help commanding officers, hereinafter referred to as "**you**," resist the temptation to pledge your undying love to a female officer in your command, hereinafter referred to by the initials "**SC**" (a handy designation with a number of applicable meanings, such as second in command, science chick, sensational curves – it's all-purpose).

**1.** Strictly enforce protocols of address. Insist on being called 'sir' or by rank at all times, even when SC is just regaining consciousness or experiencing withdrawals from alien smack. Hearing her say your name only leads to thinking about situations involving her moaning and screaming your name.

**2.** It is normal for a commanding officer to watch over all members of his team, but you must differentiate _watching over_ from _watching_. Watching SC is a very bad habit. Here's a handy rule of thumb to tell the difference. _Watching over_ includes the occasional glance in SC's direction to ensure that she is still present and accounted for, and is having no difficulty completing the task at hand. _Watching_ includes admiring her shape, enjoying the way she moves, wondering about various items of her clothing, examining her facial expressions, and anything that even remotely resembles longing. Watching is perhaps the most insidious error one can commit, as it seems harmless enough. However, it not only increases her hold on you, it also alerts every astute person in the immediate vicinity to the feelings you are trying to conquer.

**3**. The value of physical distance cannot be overestimated. It is helpful to arrange out-of-town accommodations for any time off, thus eliminating the chance to 'accidentally' run into SC in one of her favorite hangouts. Preferably, said accommodations should be without a telephone, to avoid the temptation to call her and see what she's doing with _her_ time off. It is also wise to leave without saying goodbye, so you don't impulsively invite her along under some ridiculous pretext.

**4**. Keep a healthy perspective. Meditate on the fact that you may one day have to shoot SC. You never know when she'll be inhabited by some whacked-out alien life form, reprogrammed by a freaky super-computer, infected with a bizarre virus, or taken over by a half-ascended evil Goa'uld. You could practically use her for target practice.

**5**. Due to our responsibilities, all officers of the SGC naturally seek to remain physically fit and in their best form. In practical and unflattering fatigues, this is generally a manageable issue; however, dress occasions can be particularly dangerous. Mentally prepare yourself for the fact that high heels and low necklines may be present, and be ready to keep eyes up. When these occasions arise suddenly in the field, this can be a harrowing problem. At any time, SC might be required to adopt the dress of the local female population. Should this occur, refer to rule number two.

**6**. Do not become concerned with SC's personal life, especially her sex life. While this may be a normal topic of conversation among male members of the team, even knowing that she is seeing someone is too much information. Your natural instinct to protect your teammate could easily be misconstrued as homicidal jealousy, especially if you were to, say, off some nosy stalking little freak when he showed up on a mission and you just happened to be shooting in his general direction. You can afford to be magnanimous; given enough time, the boyfriend will likely die without your assistance.

**7**. If you should ever encounter an android clone, human-form replicator, or alternate reality version of your SC, run, do not walk. This only spells bad news, as you will end up making the inevitable comparisons. The copy never measures up to the original.

**8**. At times, you and SC may unavoidably be separated from the rest of your team, but it is advisable to be alone as little as possible. Leaning, hugging, spooning, nuzzling and other forms of intimacy may result. In times of extreme trauma, SC may even seek these types of touch. If at all possible, arrange to be severely injured or suffering memory loss when you are alone together, to ensure that matters go no further than they should.

**9**. Women have a tendency to want to _talk_ about feelings. This only makes matters worse. It is inadvisable for you to allow under any circumstances, including your own imminent death. Of course, you don't want to be rude, but it is always appropriate to cut off any declarations on her part by saying "I know." Attempt to infuse your voice with sincerity, even if you were desperately curious to hear what she was actually about to say.

**10**. Diversion is an excellent tactic for maintaining your balance. When all else fails, find the one thing that fascinates her and bores you to tears and invite her to expound at length. Talk science. It works like a cold shower, I promise you.


End file.
